Make me laugh.

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 12:41 pm

I've had an awful day.

Please make me laugh.

ttf_Eric01 · Post by **ttf_Eric01** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 1:04 pm

Two mathematicians, Joe and Bob, are in a restaurant. Joe is talking
about how he feels that math education has really improved in his
lifetime.

Bob is a grumpy old man. He disagrees. Strongly.

Joe says, "You know, I bet the average person on the street even knows
a little calculus." Bob laughs.

Bob goes to the bathroom. While he's gone, Joe calls their waitress
over and tells her: "Listen, I'm going to ask you to come over here in
about five minutes. When you do, I'll ask you a question. I want you
to answer "One-third x cubed." If you do, I'll leave an extra $5 in the
tip."

The waitress blinks at him. "One thir-dex cue?"

"Sure, close enough."

Bob comes back from the bathroom and Joe says, "Look, I'll bet our
waitress knows the integral of x squared."

Bob scoffs. Joe bets him $10.

They call the waitress over and Joe asks her the integral of x
squared. As instructed, she answers "One third x cubed".

And as she's walking away, she calls back over her shoulder, "plus a
constant."

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 1:19 pm

I am an economist so this got a smile!

Thanks Eric!

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:00 pm

How can you spot an extroverted economist?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:10 pm

Quote from: greg waits on Nov 15, 2012, 02:00PMHow can you spot an extroverted economist?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

Haha! Thanks Greg.

ttf_Andrew Meronek · Post by **ttf_Andrew Meronek** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:18 pm

Last Christmas, I got a blind friend of mine a Lord Of The Rings book set. Being a bit of an egotist, I gave him a little speech:

"George, now I got you something really special for Christmas. I know how you love a bit of classic literature, and I'll have you know that I searched high and low for this. In fact, I had to travel all the way to Joe Fein Bookstore in Pontiac to find this. It's one-of-a-kind, and made specially for you. You really should thank me for this, and thank me well. Wink. Wink."

So, I handed the set over.

"George, this is the wholly braille."

ttf_Paul Martin · Post by **ttf_Paul Martin** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:30 pm

Quote from: greg waits on Nov 15, 2012, 02:00PMHow can you spot an extroverted economist?

When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.

I'm told that most people go into economics, because they lack the personality needed to be accountants.

ttf_Stretch Longarm · Post by **ttf_Stretch Longarm** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:42 pm

Quote from: Andrew Meronek on Nov 15, 2012, 02:18PMLast Christmas, I got a blind friend of mine a Lord Of The Rings book set. Being a bit of an egotist, I gave him a little speech:

"George, now I got you something really special for Christmas. I know how you love a bit of classic literature, and I'll have you know that I searched high and low for this. In fact, I had to travel all the way to Joe Fein Bookstore in Pontiac to find this. It's one-of-a-kind, and made specially for you. You really should thank me for this, and thank me well. Wink. Wink."

So, I handed the set over.

"George, this is the wholly braille."

I don't get it...how could he see you winking if he's blind?

ttf_Andrew Meronek · Post by **ttf_Andrew Meronek** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:44 pm

Quote from: Stretch Longarm on Nov 15, 2012, 02:42PMI don't get it...how could he see you winking if he's blind?

Becaise I said "Wink. Wink." Presumably, he was listening.

ttf_Andrew Meronek · Post by **ttf_Andrew Meronek** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:46 pm

My blind friend Greorge later died and ended up in front of Saint Peter and the pearly gates.

"Are you Saint Peter? How did I end up here?"
"Yes, I am Saint Peter. What is the last thing that you remember?"
"Well, I was touring a skyscraper . . . wait, did I fall?"
"Yes. You found the holey rail."

ttf_Stretch Longarm · Post by **ttf_Stretch Longarm** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:46 pm

Quote from: Andrew Meronek on Nov 15, 2012, 02:44PMBecaise I said "Wink. Wink." Presumably, he was listening.

I was kidding...! "wink, wink"

ttf_Andrew Meronek · Post by **ttf_Andrew Meronek** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:47 pm

Quote from: Stretch Longarm on Nov 15, 2012, 02:46PMI was kidding...! "wink, wink"

Wait, how do I know that you really winked?

ttf_Stretch Longarm · Post by **ttf_Stretch Longarm** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:50 pm

Quote from: Andrew Meronek on Nov 15, 2012, 02:47PMWait, how do I know that you really winked?

"I see what you mean", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

ttf_Andrew Meronek · Post by **ttf_Andrew Meronek** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:50 pm

A dyslexic man went up to a concession stand at a Red Wings game and said, "hi, I would like to buy a Goalie Hail."

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:53 pm

Quote from: Paul Martin on Nov 15, 2012, 02:30PMI'm told that most people go into economics, because they lack the personality needed to be accountants.

Ouch!

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 2:55 pm

This is really helping! Keep the gags coming!

ttf_Piano man · Post by **ttf_Piano man** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:47 pm

A couple goes to their pastor for marriage counseling.

The pastor asks the woman to talk about her marriage. She goes on for some time about feeling neglected and unloved. After a few minutes, the pastor grabs the woman, embraces her and kisses her passionately.

He lets her go, then turns to the husband and says, "She needs that every single day. Can you commit to that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her down to the church on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, but on other days you'll have to come out to the house."

ttf_Bonefide · Post by **ttf_Bonefide** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:54 pm

If you aren't an Os fan, this might not do it for you...

ttf_Piano man · Post by **ttf_Piano man** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 4:58 pm

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

ttf_Bonefide · Post by **ttf_Bonefide** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 6:22 pm

So I says to my one legged wife, Peg . . .

ttf_Jox · Post by **ttf_Jox** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 6:42 pm

What type of bees make milk?

Boo bees

ttf_BGuttman · Post by **ttf_BGuttman** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 7:00 pm

How about the dyslexic agnostic who questioned the existence of Dog?

ttf_Eric01 · Post by **ttf_Eric01** » Thu Nov 15, 2012 10:04 pm

I didn't want to do this but....

Back in the days after WWII, many Polish orphans were brought to the United States for adoption.

A couple from a small town, deep in the Washington woods, put out an offer and duly received a bouncing baby boy.

The name on the receiving blanket and the paper work identified the child as one "Dominic Doykowskiwcz."

The semi-literate adopting couple stared at that for a while. Decided it incomprehensible. And decided to call the kid "Doodah." They gave him their last name.

Turned out, Doodah was fine boy. He went through the school system as a bright lad, excelled in sports (for the first time, the town's HS football team won the state -1A championship with Doodah as quarterback. He scored 50 points a night as guard on the BB team. He was the first ever National Merit Scholarship winner from his HS.

But, because of loyalty to those who raised and loved him, he forsook scholarship offers, both academic and athletic, and chose to go to work for the town based lumber company.

The owner of the lumber mill had a marriageable daughter who had been in love with Doodah since 3rd grade. She and Doodah married and moved into a rose covered cottage at the edge of town, there to share the bliss of the heavenly matched.

One day, though, tragedy struck.

While setting choker chain, Doodah had the set-up run foul. A huge section of Douglas fir swung out of control, smashed him flat, and killed him instantly.

All the crew gathered round. Distraught. Doodah had been a hard worker, friendly, cheerful, wise-cracking. A favorite of all.

The crew boss was stunned. "I can't do this," he said. "I can't face Susan with this." ("Susan" being Doodah's wife, of course).

The group stood silently for a while, until one of the boys in the back volunteered.

"Hey, boss, I've had a couple of courses in psychology. I can probably think of the right thing to say." "You got it," replied the crew chief, with a sigh of relief.

So Buster, for that was his name, went back into town forthwith and trudged up to the Rose-Covered Cottage and knocked on the door.

When Susan answered, Buster stood back, gathered himself, and sang:

"Guess who died in the woods today."

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Fri Nov 16, 2012 3:55 am

I hope today goes better! Thanks everyone for your jokes! They helped a lot

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Thu Nov 22, 2012 8:30 am

It's been a really crap day, after a crap couple of weeks, but this made me laugh!

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/11/22/dogs-eating-peanut-butter-compilation/

ttf_Piano man · Post by **ttf_Piano man** » Thu Nov 22, 2012 2:36 pm

Trust me on this one. It's short, too.

http://agylen.com/2006/07/17/unintentionally-funny-company-urls/

I should mention that you should just read the article and not click on any of the URLs. When it was first published, all of the URLs were still in force for their original purpose (I checked 'em all out, and it was legit). Most of them still are, but a couple have been abandoned by their original owners (for reasons that will be obvious), and repurposed to direct people to sites that wouldn't be appropriate on this forum.

ttf_Torobone · Post by **ttf_Torobone** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 2:34 am

Quote from: RedHotMama on Nov 22, 2012, 08:30AMIt's been a really crap day, after a crap couple of weeks, but this made me laugh!

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2012/11/22/dogs-eating-peanut-butter-compilation/

Yup, I watch this live with our own dog. It goes on for a long time, even with a small amount!

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 2:49 am

Quote from: Torobone on Nov 23, 2012, 02:34AMYup, I watch this live with our own dog. It goes on for a long time, even with a small amount!

The final one in the clip, with the stuff all over his nose, is probably still at it....

Odd though. It would never have occurred to me to give a dog peanut butter!

ttf_BGuttman · Post by **ttf_BGuttman** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:38 am

We give our dogs soup bones (not used for soup, but instead simply baked with garlic) and when they have finished extracting the marrow from them we refill the cavity with peanut butter. The bone gets a "new life" and the dogs just love them.

ttf_Paul Martin · Post by **ttf_Paul Martin** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:12 am

Quote from: RedHotMama on Nov 23, 2012, 02:49AMThe final one in the clip, with the stuff all over his nose, is probably still at it....

Odd though. It would never have occurred to me to give a dog peanut butter!

Dogs absolutely love it, we keep 2 jars at all times, one for us, one for the dogs.

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 7:20 am

Quote from: Paul Martin on Nov 23, 2012, 07:12AMDogs absolutely love it, we keep 2 jars at all times, one for us, one for the dogs.

I wish I'd known this years ago! I'd have loved to see my boy Kenny eating it.

ttf_Roger Anderson · Post by **ttf_Roger Anderson** » Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:09 am

Had to wait for Thanksgiving before the Christmas jokes could start...

Why does Santa Claus come to town with a smile on his face?

He knows where all the naughty little girls live.

ttf_Eric01 · Post by **ttf_Eric01** » Sun Nov 25, 2012 8:00 pm

Wish I could go with the Christmas Joke lead, but, this is serious:

Alium Poisoning: Verboten for dogs: onions, garlic, leeks, et al. of the Alium tribe;

http://www.vet.cornell.edu/consultant/Consult.asp?Fun=Cause_2145&spc=All&dxkw=poison&sxkw=&signs

I never knew about this until riding to rehearsal with a very savvy string bass player.

Cheers,

Dog Lover (not beyond 1st base, though) in Waldport

ttf_anonymous · Post by **ttf_anonymous** » Sun Dec 23, 2012 9:11 am

ttf_RedHotMama · Post by **ttf_RedHotMama** » Mon Dec 24, 2012 3:37 am

Quote from: Eric01 on Nov 25, 2012, 08:00PMWish I could go with the Christmas Joke lead, but, this is serious:

Alium Poisoning: Verboten for dogs: onions, garlic, leeks, et al. of the Alium tribe;

Chocolate too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theobromine_poisoning

ttf_Sydney Australia · Mon Dec 24, 2012 8:17 am

ttf_Sydney Australia · Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:17 am

ttf_Paul Martin · Post by **ttf_Paul Martin** » Tue Feb 12, 2013 5:36 pm

Headline reads: Benedikt Resigns, Indicates He's Too Pooped to Pope

ttf_Sydney Australia · Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:27 pm

ttf_djdekok · Post by **ttf_djdekok** » Fri Feb 22, 2013 9:31 am

A woman goes on vacation and leaves her pet cat with her older brother. She calls one day, and in the midst of the conversation, she asks, "so how's fluffy?". The brother hems and haws a little, then says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but fluffy's dead". She bursts into tears, and when she gets her composure, she rips her brother a new one. "How can you just say, 'he's dead'? If it were mom, she'd say, 'well, fluffy's on the roof but we can't get her down'. Then, the next time I called, she'd say, 'we went up on the roof but she fell to the ground, but the vet is hopeful for her recovery'. The next time I'd call, she'd say,'well, fluffy took a turn for the worse'. THEN the next time she'd call, she'd break the bad news. By the way, how IS Mom?"
He took a deep breath and said,
"Mom's on the roof and we can't get her down"

ttf_Paul Martin · Post by **ttf_Paul Martin** » Sun Feb 24, 2013 1:48 pm

From my 14-year-old daughter:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

"Knock knock."

Who's There?"

"The chicken."

ttf_gregs70 · Post by **ttf_gregs70** » Sun Feb 24, 2013 6:01 pm

You're too old to play gigs when:

1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your
case.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or
Dolly Parton with no bosom.
3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your
set-list.
6. Instead of a fifth member, your quartet wants to spring for a roadie.
7. You lost the directions to the gig.
8. You need your glasses to see the music.
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like heck before the gig even starts.
11. The waitress is your daughter!
12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your trombone case.
15. You refuse to play without earplugs.
16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
18. Your gig stool has a back.
19. You're related to at least one member in the band.
20. You don't let anyone sit in.
21. You need a nap before the gig.
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go lie down.
24. You prefer a music stand with a light.
25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever
27. You get a gig bag so you have less weight to carry.
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger
than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days
and could physically do it!
31. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the
grandkids.
32. The set list has to be in 20 point type..
33. Your drug of choice is now coffee
34. It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.

ttf_djdekok · Post by **ttf_djdekok** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:07 am

Quote from: Paul Martin on Feb 24, 2013, 01:48PMFrom my 14-year-old daughter:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

"Knock knock."

Who's There?"

"The chicken."

I LOVE my 13- and 15-year-old daughters, but last night the drama in stereo during the Oscars was just too much. To whit:
"LES MIZ LOST TO WHAT???"

ttf_Paul Martin · Post by **ttf_Paul Martin** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:19 am

From my rather quick-witted 12-year-old son yesterday:

Background: I'm putting cash into envelops to pay the guys in my band for a gig last night, and explain to my son that the venue pays me, and then I pay the band:

Son: "How do the guys know you're not pocketing anything on top?"
Me: "Because they know I'm as honest as the day is long!"
Son: "Does that mean you're less honest in the Winter?"

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:48 am

Old news, but....

What's the difference between a pickpocket & Jimmy Swaggert?

I'll PM the answer so as not to get banned......

Did you hear about the Cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?......

Eric

ttf_bonearzt · Post by **ttf_bonearzt** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:50 am

Here's a good giggle...

Who will the Cowboys play in the Super Bowl next year?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ttf_BGuttman · Post by **ttf_BGuttman** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 12:50 pm

Quote from: bonearzt on Feb 25, 2013, 08:50AMHere's a good giggle...

Who will the Cowboys play in the Super Bowl next year?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you say Super Bowl or Toilet Bowl?

A little old man is told that eating rye bread will enhance his libido.

So he walks into a bakery and asks for 2 loaves of rye bread.

The clerk says "why so much? It'll get very hard"

So he says: "4 loaves!"

ttf_Brer Cottonmouth · Mon Feb 25, 2013 2:04 pm

Hope I'm not too late to get in on this:
An old trambone player is driving at 2 am when a cop pulls him over.
"Where are you going?" asks the cop.
"I'm on my way to a lecture on the evils of alcohol, smoking, and gambling, and the detrimental effect they have on your health and matrimonial harmony."
"Oh yeah?" asks the cop, "Who's giving a lecture like that at this time of night?"
"That would be my wife," says the old timer.

ttf_Piano man · Post by **ttf_Piano man** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:40 pm

A widow who lives at home with her dog finds an old lamp in her attic. She carries it downstairs to dust it off, and as often happens in jokes, a genie appears, offering to grant one wish.

The old woman thinks for a minute, then says, "I don't really want for anything, but my dog is more devoted to me than anyone else, and I might be less lonely if you converted him into a handsome young man." The genie grants the wish and departs.

The handsome young man sits next to the woman and embraces her, and whispers in her ear, "Too bad you had me fixed."

ttf_Eric01 · Post by **ttf_Eric01** » Mon Feb 25, 2013 10:31 pm

Quote from: bonearzt on Feb 25, 2013, 08:48AM

What's the difference between a pickpocket & Jimmy Swaggert?

Eric

So, not the oldie but goodie about the Pickpocket snatching watches?

I worked for a number of years at a convent that rented out space to the burocracy I was a insignificant part of. One day, on my way to lunch at the Commons, at which the entire membership of the Order of the Silly Names (move over, Sister Atrocious) took 1/3 of it's daily bread, a colleague of mine to the trio of us posed "What's the difference between a Pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?" Waiting a best, the poser announced, "Well, a Pickpocket Snatches watches."

To which one of less astute (but brilliant in many other ways save nuance), blurted out the obvious, to several coveys of the Holy Sisters.

Maybe some of the more hip of them got it, but, for the two of us accompanying our idiot savant, we couldn't find holes near enough to jump in.

Ave verum corpus

<Edit: Fixed quote>